May 25, 2010

I'm a Brand New Woman!

I feel like a brand new woman. Apart from the low energy level due to hypoglycemia and low vitamin b12 levels (which I got medicine today to treat that), my anxiety has taken a major ass whoopin'. Thank you Zoloft and Klonopin. I don't feel any side-effects, no personality change, just freedom from my fears and anxieties; freedom to do whatever I want without suffering painfully because I'm overly self-conscious and extremely anxious anytime I do anything.

So, the first day I felt better, I went clothes shopping. I wanted to try styles that have always appealed to me but I stayed away from because I didn't want any kind of attention drawn to me. I got my hair cut, and it is sassy... see.. sassy..

I like sassy and funky and a little edgy and daring... but I've never had the confidence to try it.. until now! I feel like I'm finally able to express myself outwardly with my appearance and vibe.. I feel like my whole aura has changed to match my personality and what's going on inside of me. I even traded my normal tiny stud of a nose ring for a funky loop. I feel so good. 

And for the first time since I can ever ever remember, I actually feel pretty. Wow. It's crazy for me right now and I'm on sensory overload. 

I've had conversations with complete strangers. I've smiled back to someone who smiled first when we made momentary eye contact, instead of averting my eyes. 

I even told a girl in a movie theater bathroom about the use of human hair to help soak up the oil spill when I overheard her saying she was disappointed because she wants her hair cut but it's not long enough to donate to locks of love yet. She was so nice and so appreciative of me letting her know about another great cause. 

Now I just feel crazy for having waited so long. And I'm absolutely ecstatic to be back on the track I wanted to be on all this time. I feel independence I've never experienced before. wooooo hoooooo!!! 

Have a FABULOUS Tuesday! I know I will!!!

May 24, 2010

CONCERT!!!!! & a Dirty, Dirty Thief

Eric and I went to a concert this weekend. Sick Puppies, Shinedown, and Breaking Benjamin opened for Nickelback. I like Nickelback, but I can easily say that Shinedown and Breaking Benjamin are two of my favorite bands. Sick Puppies are pretty decent too. Oh, and we got completely hammered. shwasted. 

Traffic was horrid.  The concert started at 6:30... we didn't get there until 7:30, and we missed Sick Puppies and heard a few songs of Shinedown as we made the hellacious walk to the stadium from our parking spots. We stayed in a modern, funky hotel that was way nice and comfortable. It was only 7 miles away. It took us an hour and a half to make it that 7 miles. Talk about some bullshit. But it was still awesome..

I got a sweet Shinedown T-shirt

And the Sick Puppies autograph on their newest CD

Sweet, right? I think so :)

Other than that we just enjoyed our time in the city, went out to dinner, went to a few different malls & bought a few different things. The only bad part of our entire trip, & it was a HUGE bad spot- We got robbed.

 In a store at the mall, sit my 2 bags down, walk about 20 feet away, realize what I had done, go back, and they are gone. In the first bag was a pair of $60 black strappy cage stilettos I got on sale for $30. The other bag... well that was a fiasco. 

When Eric and I went on spring break to South Carolina, we went to a Nike Outlet (which we don't have one of those within 4 hours of us) and we found this AWESOME pair of Air Jordan Flight's. They were white and the prettiest color bright blue; simple, but caught a lot of eyes and tons of compliments. And they were very very very well taken care of. They were literally like brand new. We always look in every shoe store to see if we can find them and we have not EVER came across another pair like them. It probably seems silly, but these shoes very meaningful to both of us. We bought them on our first major vacation together. Oh, and they were $140.

Well anyway, Eric had just bought a new pair of Air Max's and decided to wear them out of the store, and put the Jordan's in the new shoe box. That's right. I'm to blame for his beloved shoes being stolen. We both wish that the $100 pair of Air Max's were the ones in the box because we could've replaced them easily... well not that easily, most shoe stores only get 1 pair of size 13's, and this was the only store we could find them in.

So I feel like a huge piece of shit. And I cried. A lot. I still can't believe it happened. He was as dignified with me as can be hoped for, though I know he was very very upset, he accepted my 5 billion apologies, hugged me, and still held my hand and took me to see Shrek: Forever After in IMAX (I had never been to an IMAX theater.. OMG OMG OMG. that's all I can say about that experience.) The movie was pretty cute, but very short. We both would've preferred to see Iron Man 2 but it wasn't playing in IMAX that day. 

And even more so, I can't believe the people in this world. That was a very very dirty thing to do to someone. We both work very hard for the things that we have. I have integrity and morals, but I feel like it's becoming less and less common. So as of this very moment, I feel very down about the state of humanity. 

How many good people are there left out there? Not enough, I don't think...

May 20, 2010

Bucket List

Recently, I had a grand realization. I want to experience EVERYTHING. (Well not literally everything, but you know what I mean.) Whence came my Bucket List.  Here are the things that I came up with.

  • Visit each of the Hawaiian Islands
  • Scuba dive/snorkel at the Great Barrier Reef
  • Take a gondola ride through the canals of Venice
  • Ice skate in Central Park
  • Be walked down the isle by my daddy
  • Learn how to shoot a crossbow
  • Skydive
  • Spend an entire weekend at a spa with my sister
  • Picnic at the beach and watch the sunset
  • Ride a tandem bicycle down a picturesque boardwalk
  • Spend an entire day at the Louvre
  • Take photography classes
  • Visit a town nestled in a mountain
  • Tour France and experience real French cuisine
  • Learn an exotic dance
  • Design my dream home
  • Compile a recipe book/box
  • Write a blog
  • Have one of my written works published
  • Try absinthe
  • Experience natural childbirth
  • Parasail
  • See a real-life lighthouse
  • Experience something spiritually moving

As you can see, I've been lucky enough as of very recently to cross a few items off the list. Yes, some of my aspirations are more practical than others, but I feel as though all of these things are attainable. Some of these things (like snorkeling) might be a bit of a stretch due to some of my phobias, but I still hope to achieve these things.

What are some things you would place on your Bucket List? Anyone experienced any of the things I have listed and want to share their story?

May 19, 2010

Drugs & Haircuts. Oh What Fun.

Ay yi yi. First visit to a, well my, psychiatrist this afternoon. It kind of sucks if you really think about it. I'm going to talk to a stranger about my deepest darkest concerns, fears, habits, and inadequacies. I mean really, this is shit I don't really feel like talking about. BUT, I know that I need to work past it in order to move on with my life. He made me feel better though. Apparently, I'm not crazy, it's a chemical imbalance, and with the right combination of drugs, I will feel like the "intelligent, sensitive, good person" (his words, not mine) that I am. Ok, I'm ready now.

I decided, spur of the moment last night, to get my hair cut today. I know, I know, I just hacked my bangs off... which here I am...
(So what do you think?)

Anyway, I was able to get an appointment after work today. I'm nervous. I'm trying out a new hairstylist because I wasn't happy with the work of my previous one, but I really liked her, and couldn't bring myself to tell her that she wasn't achieving what I was looking for. Anyway, I want something messy and layered, probably razored, but I want to keep the length. I'll let you know how it turns out tomorrow.

I worked out yesterday, like I said I was going to. ugh. It's so hard for me to get motivated to do anything, let alone something ughh. My psychiatrist said that's also part of the chemical problem (lack of motivation to do things, even things I enjoy), so hopefully the drugs will help with that too... I'm not too sore today, even though I was feeling the burn last night. It was like my body welcomed it.. missed it even. I'm thinking it's probably not going to happen tonight, I have too many errands to run, but definitely tomorrow!

Have a GREAT Wednesday night!

May 18, 2010

The New Regime

I woke up last Tuesday (so it's been a week now) with a monstrous tumor-like zit on my forehead. Yes, seriously. I really thought that once I entered my twenties the dreaded unsightly break-outs would cease. I'm not sure if it's this humid, miserable weather, the crappy eating habits I've developed lately, stress, or a combination of all of these things. That being said. I'm starting a new plan of attack. Or maybe it will be better called a new regime. Tyrannical style.  

I went home from work yesterday and went crazy with the scissors. I'm now rockin' some blunt bangs. haha Keep in mind, I'm NO hairstylist. This was huge and drastic for me. I don't like extra attention so I tend to try to downplay everything and make no obvious changes to my appearance. Well, it was either notice the cyclops eye growing out of my forehead, or notice some new bangs. My hair grows very quickly anyway, so in 2 weeks I'll have some side swept bangs if I so choose.

Downfall? I look like I'm 12 and a half. But I thought, "what the hell?!?!", because I've already hit all my "exciting" milestone birthdays, so what if people think I'm younger than I actually am? A lot of women would be ecstatic to hear they look younger than they are! And anyway, I think they are kind of sassy... plus, I don't have a forehead.. I have a FIVEhead... seriously, that thing is huge, and now it is camouflaged. And I have killer blue eyes, and now focus is drawn there. I can handle attention on my eyes I think. But this is going to take a lot of getting used to.

Conversation I had with Eric when he got home from work:

Me: "So... what do you think"
Eric: "I'm just going to have to get used to them.. but they don't look bad."
Me: "Don't look 'bad'? I don't want to 'not look bad '"
Eric: "It looks cute, I'm just not used to it yet"
Me: "It's not like I haven't had bangs before, you just didn't know me then... I had them when I was like12..."
Eric: "Yeah, well don't most 12 year olds?"


Second on my list- eat better and work out. I used to be a fitness FREAK. I mean, I was in shape, worked out daily, ran like a crazy person, and ate very healthily. I do have to say, at this same point in time I was consuming inordinate amounts of alcohol, not sleeping nearly as much as I should have been, and was pretty depressed. But I looked good... fit. It feels wonderful to be fit. I've been dealing with some problems with hypoglycemia, anemia, and low B12 levels recently. And OMG, it SUCKS. It's horrible to be a very active person and have zero energy to do anything. All I want to do is lay on the couch and sleep. BOO. But I'm going to force myself. FORCE myself. I loathe running. But I will run. Till I can't run anymore. I will use my stability ball and hand weights. And I will do my Pilates (which I love). And I will stop pigging out on JUNK. and that's FINAL. I'm not out to lose much weight, maybe 4-6 pounds, but toning up would be wonderful.

Thirdly, and possibly most importantly, I will be drama-free. I will disassociate myself with stressful people and situations and I will work hard to ensure that I am heading down an emotionally healthy path. I've said before that I'm trying to get some things worked through and anxiety is an issue, so my psychiatrist will assist with this goal. First appointment is tomorrow. Eek. We'll see.

And I'm going to start actually using my tanning package. I know, it's bad for you. I know, it causes cancer and premature aging. But I honestly have higher self-esteem when I'm tan. And it keeps my skin clear. And it makes you look thinner. And maybe it's all in my head, but I just feel better.

I am taking my health, both mental and physical, into my own hands. I'm working to become who I want to be.

Any suggestions? Feel free to divulge!

May 17, 2010

Lazzzzzzy weekend

Today, I'm really excited. I have my very first follower. LOL. But seriously, I'm much more excited than I anticipated :) :)

So let's see, what happened this weekend. Oh, that's right, a big fat sack of nothing. I do have to say though, that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING comes close to even comparing to the feeling of a completely clean home. I'm a bit of a clean freak. Sure, I like things to be neat, but clean is much more important to me than neat. And my boyfriend knows this.

Before I get home, If Eric is there, he does his ritualistic "tidying up", which basically translates into: "I'm going to pick up some crap from one area of the house and move it to another, more discrete area of the house, but nothing is truly getting placed where it belongs."

Ok, maybe I'm a little harsh, but I blame my mother. Is it really my fault that I'm a perfectionist when it comes to cleaning? Is it really my fault that I like things to be done MY way, and if they aren't, well then they just aren't right? Eric tries to use the excuse that he "would've" done something but he wasn't sure it would have been up to "my standards", and my common reaction is, "oh, you mean actually CLEAN?!?" I mean, is it really that difficult?

Ok, so I know I'm some sort of control freak and I've really been trying to work on it, but when Eric so considerately does the dishes for me (which I truly do appreciate) and I reach in the cabinet and pull out a drinking glass that still has greasy finger prints on the outside of it, I get really really irritated...SICK. Honestly, what is the sense in doing something if you're only going to do it half-assed? That's definitely NOT how I roll.

I love the idea of being a stay-at-home mom, but not because I'm lazy, lack an education, or don't want to contribute financially. I would love to be able to take care of my kids, husband, and home. I would love to be able to have a clean house and dinner ready every night for my lover man. I would love to be there every day when my kids got out of school. But, unfortunately, in the world we live in today, this is rarely possible, and I don't see it as being possible for my life. But that's ok too. As long as everyone is healthy and happy and well-adjusted, that is all that really matters at the end of the day.

So anyway, we spent Friday running errands, Saturday cleaning house, and the ENTIRE day Sunday cuddled up on the couch, watching movies on our glorious flat screen, playing card games, and pigging out.

cherry turnovers, cheesy scrambled eggs, and bacon for brunch (we slept in)
boneless bbq ribs, mac n cheese, and green beans for an early dinner
white chocolate fondue with graham crackers, strawberries, and apples for dessert

...hoping it's going to be a good Monday and a good start to the week!

White Chocolate Fondue for Two

White Chocolate Fondue for Two

I toyed with a couple recipes that I found online and this combination worked best for me! It only took about 10 min. total, and it was delicious. We absolutely LOVED this and look forward to doing it again!


  • 1/4 cup heavy whipping cream
  • 1/2 a bag (6 oz) white chocolate chips
  • 1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
  • dippers*

In a small sauce pan, heat 1/4 cup heavy whipping cream at medium-low heat, stirring constantly, till simmering. Add 1/2 bag, or 6 oz white chocolate chips, and 1 tsp pure vanilla extract, and stir till almost completely melted. Remove from heat and continue to stir until consistency is smooth. Pour into fondue pot and serve.


My personal favorites for white chocolate fondue would be
  • beer pretzels
  • strawberries
  • graham crackers
  • granny smith apples
But there are so many different things you could try out, like

  • bananas
  • pound cake
  • marshmallows
  • ??

Have you tried something with your white chocolate fondue that you absolutely loved? Let me know! I love new ideas!

May 14, 2010

The Kitchen Chronicles

I love to cook. But, unfortunately, most often I am either crunched for time or exhausted, so I'm kind of...  well... lazy. The fact that Eric is one of the pickiest eaters I know doesn't help much at all. Seriously, it's like trying to cook for an obstinate child a majority of the time. Not only does he not like a TON of different foods, but he actually will refuse to eat something even if it contains something he doesn't like as a minor ingredient. Some examples...

  • cottage cheese
  • sour cream
  • yogurt
  • ANY seafood
  • ANY veggies excluding corn, green beans, tomatoes, and lettuce
  • cream cheese
  • cream of mushroom soup
  • plums
  • apricots 
  • beans
  • anything spicy
Anyway, I use recipes from family tradition, friends, magazines, websites, soup cans (so basically whatever I can get my grubby little hands on) and also those I come up with on my own. I hope you enjoy my little work in progress!

White Chocolate Fondue for Two

Hot New Bikini & "Just a Guy"

On-line shopping will be the death of me. Ok, so I used to have a severe shopping problem. I just love to shop. I love to have new things. I love fashion. I love shopping for what suits my particular body type, and I'm pretty good at it (at least I think I am). I love feeling like I'm in control of something.. even if my shopping is out of control. I mean, really, what girl doesn't like these things?

So anyway, Eric and I share our finances, which works out pretty well; we do our best to ensure if things don't work out between us, we'll still survive financially, and considering we've made a commitment to each other not to give up, no matter what obstacles we face, it's been working out well, so what's the harm? Anyway, before I get way off track, since we began sharing our funds, I've worked very hard to be frugal and cognizant of where every penny of our income goes, and also to make sure we both get the things we want and need. This has taken quite a bit of communication, consideration, compromising, and sacrificing, which is a constant work in progress. I handle all the bills, the shopping, the saving, the little "extras" we want to do, the vacation planning, etc.

Sometimes handling the money makes me feel like a good-time nazi. Sometimes it really sucks telling Eric, "no we don't have the money for that because we are trying to save money for this," and so forth. And sometimes, he has a little "tantrum" and figuratively stomps his feet and holds his breath, but most of the time, even if he doesn't like it, he understands we are working toward a common goal that we decided together. It's not like I always get things I want, I just don't voice that I want them, so they go unnoticed by him.

But anyway, today I got something I wanted. Well kind of. I'm more than willing to settle. I am more than happy to shop from the sales racks. Which is exactly what I did today.

Victoria's Secret! 
I just love VS. 
I got the top on sale for $24 
and the bottoms for $14.50.
Now that's a decent deal!

So this is an older design- a year, maybe two, but I like it, and these colors are on my color wheel. It would be really nice if I was as hott as the girl wearing it, but that's never going to happen. For starters, I'm only 5'2".. in the morning. 

FYI: Did you know you're taller in the morning? Gravity from standing and sitting compresses the spine, thus, making you shorter as the day wears on.  

On a completely unrelated subject, I'm starting a new book today. It's called Just a Guy -Notes from a Blue Collar Life. It's a memoir by Bill Engvall (You know, the guy from Blue Collar Comedy that's not Jeff Foxworthy or the "Tator Salad" guy or the guy that always wears red flannels with the sleeves ripped off that talks really slow and twangy.) 

I got it for Eric for Christmas last year.. it was something he had mentioned hearing about and wanting to read, but couldn't remember who wrote it or what it was called. So, without much to go on, I searched and searched and finally found it. I guess I should go ahead and mention he's only read about the first 10 pages. Anyway, I though what the hell, I'm going to read it. I'm hoping it's funny. 

Just a Guy: Notes from a Blue Collar Life

The back cover's first paragraph is:

Here's the official definition of a guy: a person who doesn't think before he speaks. He's can't. He's not that deep. Because a guy has only three basic needs: eating, sleeping, and sex. That's it. Just a Guy chronicles a lifetime in pursuit of those needs.  

Have a wonderful Friday!

May 12, 2010


I am by no means a professional. I have never even taken a photography class, it's just something that I enjoy. I like to find beauty in unexpected places. I like to play with different effects and try to evoke certain emotions. I like to remember every detail of how I felt when I took a particular photograph.

:: Bookshelf ::

My Bookshelf is a place for all my current favorites. I love me a good book. Most of these are contemporary adult literature with a couple of young adult and memoirs thrown in. If you have the time to read any of these, please share what you thought!

The Twilight Saga
-Stephenie Meyer
It's a given, they are the ever-popular Twilight books... but I love the fantasy about them.  


Can You Keep a Secret?
-Sophie Kinsella
This book I absolutely could not put down, and read a second time right after I finished the first. It was hysterical and witty and candid- all the things I love!
Can You Keep A Secret

Suzanne's Diary For Nicholas
-James Patterson
Tear-jerker for sure, but very well-written and developed, with an element of surprise. Great book.
Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas by ,James Patterson

I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
-Tucker Max
I started reading this in class and immediately stopped because I was laughing so hard I literally could've pissed myself. Literally. And then I got excited when the movie was coming out.. until I saw the movie and was highly disappointed. This is the most hilarious, raunchiest yet intelligently written book I've read. 

-Sarah Mlynowski
I think at one point or another we've all been that girl that just can't let go, even when all indicators are screaming we should. I could definitely relate.

Remember Me?
-Sophie Kinsella
Somewhat predictable, but overall, it was a very good read. Kept me interested. But then again, I'm never disappointed with Sophie Kinsella.

Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella

A Girl Named Zippy
-Haven Kimmel
I was given this as a high school graduation gift from my creative writing teacher/great aunt, because this is one of her favorite books, and I remind her of Zippy. "Spunky" was the adjective she used. 
A Girl Named Zippy

Secret Life of Bees
-Sue Monk Kidd
Just an absolutely wonderful book. I could really identify with May and her feelings of overwhelming empathy and sensitivity. I learned a lot about myself and self-expression from this book.

The Lovely Bones
-Alice Sebold
A new perspective, a different viewpoint from what I was used to, I was very intrigued by the story line. 

The Ex-Files
-Jane Moore
The opening scene of this book is so steamy you can't help but read on!
book cover of 

The Ex-files 


Jane Moore

:: Things I Love & Hate ::

I love thunderstorms.

I love photography & editing.

I love a medium-rare filet mignon.

I love to watch UFC & ECF. 

I love blueberry mojitos. 

I love to read contemporary fiction.

I love to try my own recipes.

I love hot hot showers. 

I love picnics at the park.

I love laying in the sun.

I love rollercoasters.

love tattoos.

I love warm rain. 

I love the beach.

I love dressing sassy.

I love strawberries in whipped cream.

I love sleeping.

I love the "God of War" video games.

I love Kate Hudson. 

I love getting my hair played with.

I love warm weather.

:: My "Family" ::

Eric & I met in 2007. We worked in the same steakhouse, both trying to figure out what we wanted from life. He was fresh out of a relationship. Ok, not entirely true, but I would like to highlight the fact that he did not leave his fiancĂ© of 6 and a half years for me; he left her, and THEN we started dating. We were completely JUST friends before that point- I have a strict "no home-wrecking" policy. I'm sure his ex doesn't believe that, just as I'm sure she doesn't believe that he didn't cheat on her with me, but he & I both know the truth, so it's ok I guess.

Initially, I thought Eric was... well, an asshole. But I got to know him and realized we had a lot in common... not to mention the fact that he makes me completely hott, big nose and all. I don't know what it is, something about the way he carries himself, or the way he smiles his little dimpled grin, or the way he moves his tongue when he talks... I know, I'm ridiculous, but I'm completely smitten, to this day.

And now, my fuzzy butt, my furbaby, my sissydog, my wrinkle-face, my wittle wion, my little cuddle bunny, my snuggle bear, my china-dog,. my slobber box, mommy's sweet babydog, etc, etc: Barlee. Barlee is 5 and 1/2 years old. Barlee's mommy was a full-blooded Shar-Pei, and her daddy was a full-blooded Yellow Labrador. That combination lead to the most loyal, loving, playful, smart, cuddly, sweet, well-behaved, beautiful, sensitive, understanding, obedient dog you could imagine. She's truly my best friend. I never knew it was possible to love an animal as much as I love this little girl.

My best friend is moving.

My best friend's grandma surprised her after our high school graduation by telling her when she graduated college she would take her on a two week adventure to Egypt. Yes, I said Egypt. And I would like to just clarify, Brit's* grandma is about the coolest grandma you'd ever meet. Driven, fun, energetic, hip, hard-working, morally intact, supportive, funny, etc. etc. Well anyway, I went to Brit's when I got off work yesterday, to say goodbye.  Ok, I think we probably need a bit of a background story...

Brit and I have been best friends since high school. I practically lived at her house a good majority of the time, while other times, I literally did. This girl shared everything with me from her bed, to her tampons, to her parents; she is quite literally what I would call the absolute best friend someone could hope for. When I was too depressed to get out of bed, she would drag me; when I didn't have a car, she would drive me; when I felt completely lost, time after time, she would find me. Our relationship has consisted a lot of me needing her and her coming through. She's always been the strong one, and I the emotionally weak. I have never been the good friend that she's deserved, not because I haven't wanted to be, but because I've just never known how.

So here we are, and now she's moving. She was dating this guy who seemed absolutely perfect... and then she got pregnant. I will leave out the details because they really aren't mine to tell, but let's just say he is a complete piece of shit. I mean a huge festering pile of shit, and she in no way deserves what he's done to her. Now she's scared and alone, pregnant, and heartbroken. Her sister and her husband convinced her to move in with them. While I'm happy for Brit and I know this is in her and her baby's best interest, I am selfishly sad. I don't want her to go. I'm just know figuring out how to be a good friend and a better person, and she's leaving. I know this isn't the end of our friendship and I know I will see her as often as I make happen, but the comfort of her living 10 minutes away is gone. She'll now be about an hour and a half from me. Who else will I make tuna casserole with? Who will put packets of hot chocolate with mini marshmallows on their ice cream with me? Who will look at me & know what I'm thinking before I say a word? Who will I get completely sloppy drunk with and feel absolutely no shame?

It's hard to lose your best friend, especially with the guilty weight of knowing that I was not the best friend that she deserved. No matter what it takes, I will make sure that this distance doesn't ruin us. I will fix the friendship she has tried so hard for in the past, that I have let fall to the wayside time and time again. For myself, and for Brit, I will be who she deserves. I love the girl like she is an actual appendage, and I will make sure I don't let us down.

By the way, Brit found out yesterday that she's going to be having a baby GIRL! I am so excited for my niece and I know she is going to be smart and beautiful and caring just like her mommy!

Brit & I being silly

*Some real names won't be used, well, because I don't think they should be.  

May 11, 2010

Is normal too much to ask?

I had an appointment before work today with my primary care physician. Let me just say, I hate needles. I saw my "lady doctor" last week to check my blood pressure and my iron count. Apparently, the finger prick showed that my iron levels had fallen from 11.8 to 9.9, over a 6 month period, and the doctor said she would like to see it up around 14. So today I had to get blood tests done to get a more accurate reading (apparently the finger prick thingy isn't too reliable) and also to make sure there's no underlying problem. Great. Well, I'm just hoping that this is a satisfactory explanation for  the chronic fatigue I've been fighting with.

What a pain in the ass. I just want to be normal.. is normal too much to ask?  It's always one thing or another, isn't it? What does it take to be physically and emotionally healthy, normal, and stable? I want everything to be perfect and right now. I want to marry the man I love and I want to have babies with him! But, I've screwed myself over. I first want to graduate from college. Most of my friends are done, or almost, and here I am, just beginning again. I wasted so much time and so many resources it's ridiculous. Can you outgrow your past and become more? I sure hope so because I'm not at all pleased with the state of some of my most important relationships, and I want to be a better friend, sister, daughter, etc. whewww. I have a feeling this is going to be a long, difficult, painful road, but I'm sure it will all be worth it in the end.

So, with the help of a psychiatrist, and hopefully the patience and understanding of my friends and family, I'm beginning this new journey in the hopes of becoming a better person for myself, the ones I love, and my future.

May 10, 2010

Book 1, finished... & Mother's Day

A lot has transpired over the past weekend.

I finished the book (Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella). I really enjoyed it. The only thing I didn't care for was the incredible similarity to the tv show Samantha Who?, as I said before. I felt like because I had seen the tv show, I could predict everything that was going to happen. I don't know the tv show first aired or when the book was written, but the similarities were extreme. I love Samantha Who?, and I love Remember Me?, but they both would be better if I had never heard of the other... but, I would definitely recommend the book!

On to more personal affairs.  I didn't spend time with my mom on Mother's Day. Try not to be judgmental here, I've had some recent revelations (that I don't want to get into just now) about some of my mom's life decisions that directly impacted me as a child that really just... well, piss me off. So Mother's Day was very untimely. I called her last night at about 9:30, from Eric's phone, and left her a message when she didn't pick up. Now I have a guilty conscience, especially because I spent the entire evening with Eric's family (which I do not intend telling my mom about), because I really hope I didn't hurt her feelings. Last night I started to wonder if she was upset or mad, and in my mind I visualized her curled up on the couch, just her and her jack russell Molly, crying. As soon as that thought entered, I ushered it out. I know she had plans with my sister (the good daughter) earlier in the day, along with my sister's boyfriend and his parents, so I'm hoping she had a nice Mother's Day.

So Mother's Day. It's not my holiday to celebrate, but once upon a time it was going to be. Two years ago this june, Eric and I were busy trying to move into a nicer house in a nicer neighborhood in a quiet part of town. The last night we spent in the old house, with no electricity or furniture, just candles, an air mattress, a pack of phase 10 cards, and a box of delivery pizza, we got a little... careless. One thing lead to another and before I know it, it's 5 weeks later and I'm 2 weeks late... then 2 weeks later, I'm in the Emergency Room, in terrible pain, both physical and emotional, because I'm losing our baby. It was an unplanned pregnancy and we were both not where we wanted to be on a number of levels when we had children. So as much as it killed me, we made sure it didn't happen again. But 2 years later, I still wonder... boy or girl? blonde or brunette? short like me, or tall like daddy? sweet or ornery? ...the questions are innumerable, and forever unanswered. I have baby fever. wedding fever. honeymoon fever. I am head-over-heals in love with Eric, and I know I want to spend my life with him. I am ready to get this going. I'm ready to see our baby's face, kiss his or her plump little cheeks, hear him or her screaming at 2 o'clock in the morning, and share every other difficult, beautiful moment with the man I love and the child we created from that love. And wow, I am quite the sap.

May 7, 2010

Dog puke and my book choice

Ok, so yesterday I had a bit of bad luck. My furbaby, Barlee, is a very good girl; so good in fact, we don't ever have to kennel her when we're at work. However, my sweet baby dog has been known to have a sensitive tummy, and sometimes... she throws up. Ok, I know it's disgusting, but yesterday, I was in a huge hurry trying to get some important things accomplished over my lunch break (it's SO inconvenient that places are open "normal business hours.. what happens when you work those "normal business hours"?- when can you get anything accomplished? But, I'll save that for another time). So I  run home to grab the receipt I needed, and I see the huge pile of dog sick in the middle of our living room carpet. YUCK. I didn't know one dog could house so much bile. So, I start cleaning it up, and ever-so coincidentally, I run out carpet cleaner. Long story short, I had to wait till I got off work, ran my other errands,  and got back home (which by this time it was about 8:30p) to spend about 45 minutes trying to get the stain out of the carpet. My efforts we're pretty successful, you'd have a hard time finding the spot, thank goodness.

Yesterday I said I'd be buying a book. Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella (who wrote the Shopaholic books, maybe you've heard) was one that I hesitantly mentioned because once I get there ALL bets are off. Well, because of a time crunch, I didn't allow myself to peruse. If you've ever seen the tv show Samantha Who? (which was, unfortunately, cancelled), the story line seems to be pretty similar. So the premise of the book is a 28 year-old woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident she doesn't remember. She also remembers nothings of the past 3 years, and learns how drastically her life has changed. She is trying to figure out who she is, who she was, and who she wants to be. I am VERY excited to start this today!

May 6, 2010

A glass of wine and a good book

Today is going to be a good day. My grades have been posted- 3 A's and a B. Not too shabby. Last night was my last final exam of the semester, so my boyfriend and I celebrated with a few drinks with the neighbors. There's nothing quite like a well-deserved glass of wine! (or half a bottle, but whatever, who's keeping track?) It was nice to kick back and get to know the neighbors a little bit better. Anyway, about two and a half weeks before my summer semester begins, which should be much less stressful than this past. I'm still kicking myself for taking so long to get back into it, but I'm so glad that I am now- one semester down...

On another note, I'm thinking that some of my free time might be well spent reading a good book. I'm running a few errands tonight, so I'll run by the bookstore and pick something up later on. I'm excited to have some free time at work again to get back to something I love!  Right now I'm thinking I'll go with Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella- I absolutely LOVED her style and wit in Can You Keep a Secret?, as well as her well-developed characters and thoroughly conceived plot. But, once I get to the bookstore, there's a good chance I'll change my mind; there are just SO many appealing pieces of literature out! I've also considered starting the Evernight series, but I never know if that's a good idea; I tend to get sucked into series so deeply I can't do anything else, including sleep, which I happen to find VERY important. 

Ok, so I'll check back in tomorrow with my final selection(s) and then I'll just go from there. May the gods of good literature direct me.. haha

May 5, 2010

Well, here I go...

I decided to start this blog as a kind of outlet to express my thoughts, concerns, fears, struggles, triumphs, and experiences. I don't lead an extraordinary life, by any common standards, and I haven't quite found where I fit into this hectic, tumultuous world, though I'm in the process of figuring that out.  If others can relate and share their own insights that would be wonderful, however my intention is self-discovery and to find clarity through objective self-observation, as though I am an outsider to the life I lead.