I'm a Brand New Woman!

I feel like a brand new woman. Apart from the low energy level due to hypoglycemia and low vitamin b12 levels (which I got medicine today to treat that), my anxiety has taken a major ass whoopin'. Thank you Zoloft and Klonopin. I don't feel any side-effects, no personality change, just freedom from my fears and anxieties; freedom to do whatever I want without suffering painfully because I'm overly self-conscious and extremely anxious anytime I do anything.

So, the first day I felt better, I went clothes shopping. I wanted to try styles that have always appealed to me but I stayed away from because I didn't want any kind of attention drawn to me. I got my hair cut, and it is sassy... see.. sassy..

I like sassy and funky and a little edgy and daring... but I've never had the confidence to try it.. until now! I feel like I'm finally able to express myself outwardly with my appearance and vibe.. I feel like my whole aura has changed to match my personality and what's going on inside of me. I even traded my normal tiny stud of a nose ring for a funky loop. I feel so good. 

And for the first time since I can ever ever remember, I actually feel pretty. Wow. It's crazy for me right now and I'm on sensory overload. 

I've had conversations with complete strangers. I've smiled back to someone who smiled first when we made momentary eye contact, instead of averting my eyes. 

I even told a girl in a movie theater bathroom about the use of human hair to help soak up the oil spill when I overheard her saying she was disappointed because she wants her hair cut but it's not long enough to donate to locks of love yet. She was so nice and so appreciative of me letting her know about another great cause. 

Now I just feel crazy for having waited so long. And I'm absolutely ecstatic to be back on the track I wanted to be on all this time. I feel independence I've never experienced before. wooooo hoooooo!!! 

Have a FABULOUS Tuesday! I know I will!!!

Drugs & Haircuts. Oh What Fun.

Ay yi yi. First visit to a, well my, psychiatrist this afternoon. It kind of sucks if you really think about it. I'm going to talk to a stranger about my deepest darkest concerns, fears, habits, and inadequacies. I mean really, this is shit I don't really feel like talking about. BUT, I know that I need to work past it in order to move on with my life. He made me feel better though. Apparently, I'm not crazy, it's a chemical imbalance, and with the right combination of drugs, I will feel like the "intelligent, sensitive, good person" (his words, not mine) that I am. Ok, I'm ready now.

I decided, spur of the moment last night, to get my hair cut today. I know, I know, I just hacked my bangs off... which here I am...

(So what do you think?)

Anyway, I was able to get an appointment after work today. I'm nervous. I'm trying out a new hairstylist because I wasn't happy with the work of my previous one, but I really liked her, and couldn't bring myself to tell her that she wasn't achieving what I was looking for. Anyway, I want something messy and layered, probably razored, but I want to keep the length. I'll let you know how it turns out tomorrow.

I worked out yesterday, like I said I was going to. ugh. It's so hard for me to get motivated to do anything, let alone something so...so ughh. My psychiatrist said that's also part of the chemical problem (lack of motivation to do things, even things I enjoy), so hopefully the drugs will help with that too... I'm not too sore today, even though I was feeling the burn last night. It was like my body welcomed it.. missed it even. I'm thinking it's probably not going to happen tonight, I have too many errands to run, but definitely tomorrow!

Have a GREAT Wednesday night!

The New Regime

I woke up last Tuesday (so it's been a week now) with a monstrous tumor-like zit on my forehead. Yes, seriously. I really thought that once I entered my twenties the dreaded unsightly break-outs would cease. I'm not sure if it's this humid, miserable weather, the crappy eating habits I've developed lately, stress, or a combination of all of these things. That being said. I'm starting a new plan of attack. Or maybe it will be better called a new regime. Tyrannical style.  

I went home from work yesterday and went crazy with the scissors. I'm now rockin' some blunt bangs. haha Keep in mind, I'm NO hairstylist. This was huge and drastic for me. I don't like extra attention so I tend to try to downplay everything and make no obvious changes to my appearance. Well, it was either notice the cyclops eye growing out of my forehead, or notice some new bangs. My hair grows very quickly anyway, so in 2 weeks I'll have some side swept bangs if I so choose.

Downfall? I look like I'm 12 and a half. But I thought, "what the hell?!?!", because I've already hit all my "exciting" milestone birthdays, so what if people think I'm younger than I actually am? A lot of women would be ecstatic to hear they look younger than they are! And anyway, I think they are kind of sassy... plus, I don't have a forehead.. I have a FIVEhead... seriously, that thing is huge, and now it is camouflaged. And I have killer blue eyes, and now focus is drawn there. I can handle attention on my eyes I think. But this is going to take a lot of getting used to.

Conversation I had with Eric when he got home from work:

Me: "So... what do you think"
Eric: "I'm just going to have to get used to them.. but they don't look bad."
Me: "Don't look 'bad'? I don't want to 'not look bad '"
Eric: "It looks cute, I'm just not used to it yet"
Me: "It's not like I haven't had bangs before, you just didn't know me then... I had them when I was like12..."
Eric: "Yeah, well don't most 12 year olds?"


Touché.

Second on my list- eat better and work out. I used to be a fitness FREAK. I mean, I was in shape, worked out daily, ran like a crazy person, and ate very healthily. I do have to say, at this same point in time I was consuming inordinate amounts of alcohol, not sleeping nearly as much as I should have been, and was pretty depressed. But I looked good... fit. It feels wonderful to be fit. I've been dealing with some problems with hypoglycemia, anemia, and low B12 levels recently. And OMG, it SUCKS. It's horrible to be a very active person and have zero energy to do anything. All I want to do is lay on the couch and sleep. BOO. But I'm going to force myself. FORCE myself. I loathe running. But I will run. Till I can't run anymore. I will use my stability ball and hand weights. And I will do my Pilates (which I love). And I will stop pigging out on JUNK. and that's FINAL. I'm not out to lose much weight, maybe 4-6 pounds, but toning up would be wonderful.

Thirdly, and possibly most importantly, I will be drama-free. I will disassociate myself with stressful people and situations and I will work hard to ensure that I am heading down an emotionally healthy path. I've said before that I'm trying to get some things worked through and anxiety is an issue, so my psychiatrist will assist with this goal. First appointment is tomorrow. Eek. We'll see.

And I'm going to start actually using my tanning package. I know, it's bad for you. I know, it causes cancer and premature aging. But I honestly have higher self-esteem when I'm tan. And it keeps my skin clear. And it makes you look thinner. And maybe it's all in my head, but I just feel better.

I am taking my health, both mental and physical, into my own hands. I'm working to become who I want to be.

Any suggestions? Feel free to divulge!

Is normal too much to ask?

I had an appointment before work today with my primary care physician. Let me just say, I hate needles. I saw my "lady doctor" last week to check my blood pressure and my iron count. Apparently, the finger prick showed that my iron levels had fallen from 11.8 to 9.9, over a 6 month period, and the doctor said she would like to see it up around 14. So today I had to get blood tests done to get a more accurate reading (apparently the finger prick thingy isn't too reliable) and also to make sure there's no underlying problem. Great. Well, I'm just hoping that this is a satisfactory explanation for  the chronic fatigue I've been fighting with.

What a pain in the ass. I just want to be normal.. is normal too much to ask?  It's always one thing or another, isn't it? What does it take to be physically and emotionally healthy, normal, and stable? I want everything to be perfect and right now. I want to marry the man I love and I want to have babies with him! But, I've screwed myself over. I first want to graduate from college. Most of my friends are done, or almost, and here I am, just beginning again. I wasted so much time and so many resources it's ridiculous. Can you outgrow your past and become more? I sure hope so because I'm not at all pleased with the state of some of my most important relationships, and I want to be a better friend, sister, daughter, etc. whewww. I have a feeling this is going to be a long, difficult, painful road, but I'm sure it will all be worth it in the end.

So, with the help of a psychiatrist, and hopefully the patience and understanding of my friends and family, I'm beginning this new journey in the hopes of becoming a better person for myself, the ones I love, and my future.