I'm a Brand New Woman!

I feel like a brand new woman. Apart from the low energy level due to hypoglycemia and low vitamin b12 levels (which I got medicine today to treat that), my anxiety has taken a major ass whoopin'. Thank you Zoloft and Klonopin. I don't feel any side-effects, no personality change, just freedom from my fears and anxieties; freedom to do whatever I want without suffering painfully because I'm overly self-conscious and extremely anxious anytime I do anything.

So, the first day I felt better, I went clothes shopping. I wanted to try styles that have always appealed to me but I stayed away from because I didn't want any kind of attention drawn to me. I got my hair cut, and it is sassy... see.. sassy..

I like sassy and funky and a little edgy and daring... but I've never had the confidence to try it.. until now! I feel like I'm finally able to express myself outwardly with my appearance and vibe.. I feel like my whole aura has changed to match my personality and what's going on inside of me. I even traded my normal tiny stud of a nose ring for a funky loop. I feel so good. 

And for the first time since I can ever ever remember, I actually feel pretty. Wow. It's crazy for me right now and I'm on sensory overload. 

I've had conversations with complete strangers. I've smiled back to someone who smiled first when we made momentary eye contact, instead of averting my eyes. 

I even told a girl in a movie theater bathroom about the use of human hair to help soak up the oil spill when I overheard her saying she was disappointed because she wants her hair cut but it's not long enough to donate to locks of love yet. She was so nice and so appreciative of me letting her know about another great cause. 

Now I just feel crazy for having waited so long. And I'm absolutely ecstatic to be back on the track I wanted to be on all this time. I feel independence I've never experienced before. wooooo hoooooo!!! 

Have a FABULOUS Tuesday! I know I will!!!

Is normal too much to ask?

I had an appointment before work today with my primary care physician. Let me just say, I hate needles. I saw my "lady doctor" last week to check my blood pressure and my iron count. Apparently, the finger prick showed that my iron levels had fallen from 11.8 to 9.9, over a 6 month period, and the doctor said she would like to see it up around 14. So today I had to get blood tests done to get a more accurate reading (apparently the finger prick thingy isn't too reliable) and also to make sure there's no underlying problem. Great. Well, I'm just hoping that this is a satisfactory explanation for  the chronic fatigue I've been fighting with.

What a pain in the ass. I just want to be normal.. is normal too much to ask?  It's always one thing or another, isn't it? What does it take to be physically and emotionally healthy, normal, and stable? I want everything to be perfect and right now. I want to marry the man I love and I want to have babies with him! But, I've screwed myself over. I first want to graduate from college. Most of my friends are done, or almost, and here I am, just beginning again. I wasted so much time and so many resources it's ridiculous. Can you outgrow your past and become more? I sure hope so because I'm not at all pleased with the state of some of my most important relationships, and I want to be a better friend, sister, daughter, etc. whewww. I have a feeling this is going to be a long, difficult, painful road, but I'm sure it will all be worth it in the end.

So, with the help of a psychiatrist, and hopefully the patience and understanding of my friends and family, I'm beginning this new journey in the hopes of becoming a better person for myself, the ones I love, and my future.